MAKING THE DECISION TO HEAL

Trauma effects manifest in each of us differently. Some of us will have developed coping strategies that are as simple as nail biting or avoiding certain situations. Sometimes the effects manifest as addiction to alcohol, drugs (whether street or prescription) or certain behaviors like being overly sexual /viewing pornography or any repetitive behavior that is troubling to yourself or those around you.

The effects can also manifest as something like dissociative identity disorder (which is what I am healing from) and if that's the case, most of the effects of your trauma will be held in parts of yourself that are often hidden from your conscious awareness and might only be noticed by those closest to you, if they're noticed at all.

The effects of trauma are as varied in each of us as there are grains of sand on the beaches of the world. No two people will cope in exactly the same way so there's really no template you can rely on. The beauty in that is that you will get to know the beauty and intricacies of yourself and discover the creative ways you were able to survive your traumatic experiences and be here today reading this.

While this is a question that can be answered by simply Googling it, what I want to offer here as an answer is what I have personally experienced versus how the professional community outlines it. Professionals have their definition down to a science whereas what I can tell you is what it actually looks and feels like.

Dissociative identity disorder used to be known as "multiple personalities" however they have changed the name to reflect more accurately the experience of this heroic coping strategy that our brain uses to process traumatic events.

I am not someone who likes to view the parts of ourselves as formal "personalities" as that word can bring to mind a highly structured change in behavior and thinking that is not the average survivor's real experience of themselves.

Dissociation is a departure from your current experience that your brain does in order to cope. What it will feel like is more along the lines of entering a dreamy state and experiencing the world differently than you normally do.

You may feel disconnected from those around you but be fully aware of everything going on. In this state, you might find that you behave a bit differently like talking more quietly or not making eye contact. You might feel afraid even when the situation is not threatening or you might feel totally excited when everything going on around you is very quiet and uneventful.

These sorts of ways of experiencing the world might cause even more confusion and even panic so it's important to know that you are simply experiencing the current moment as a different part of yourself.

The simplest part of this answer is that we all have different parts of ourselves in a general sense. Oftentimes how you are around your family is different than how you are around your friends. Again, this is a simplified way of viewing and accepting that you might have parts that were created during traumatic experiences.

For me, as I began my healing journey, I began simply looking at my behavior changes between situations and I began to try to accept that these were actually more formal parts that came out of coping with traumatic experiences.

I began by seeing that the person I was in different situations was actually a distinct part of myself that was in need of a voice, so-to-speak.

Admittedly, at first, it felt silly and stupid to view myself this way and denial was by best friend--though I'll tell you that as a trauma survivor, if you are expressing denial about the trauma then arguably that is probably actually a part of yourself created to avoid facing the memories of the trauma.

Using "denial" as an example of a part of yourself, try to remember that that part was created for a reason and has a purpose and it's one that is in need of a great deal of love and validation. In my opinion, denial is a heroic part of yourself who should be at the top of your list of parts of yourself that you should focus your healing on. As long as you live with denial in control, your healing will be slowed or even stopped.

Personally speaking, my mother told stories of me when I was in first grade identifying myself by a different name and presenting with divergent personality traits from what she considered normal for me.

The age at which D.I.D. begins to form and present itself is very young. I have memories from when I was 3 and the educational literature states that it's formed between the ages of birth and 8 years old.

As a formal mind control survivor, however, I can speak to my mind's ability to still create a part if it needed to. What I mean by that is that because there were programs set in place to create specific parts and systems of parts, my programmers left "blanks" that were meant for future programming. I am at the place in my healing that I have control of these so the creation of new parts, even at 50 years old, will not happen in a likelihood.

In my experience, no. I have determined that for myself, many were not given names (remember my trauma came mostly from formal mind control programming). I have, throughout my healing process, begun giving the parts of myself that I have come to know, names that suit them. Most often, though, they are nameless or are identified by the emotion they feel predominantly or the place or time they are tied (for example).

If you decide to acknowledge that you have parts, keep in mind that it might seem like a good idea initially to just tack a name onto a part you discover however you will find over time that the one you initially chose does not accurately reflect it's true identity.

Always be kind and loving, respectful and patient with yourself and the parts of yourself you discover. They've been abused enough. They don't need it from you too.

I spent 25 years of my life with a label of bipolar and being treated accordingly with sometimes up to 7 psychiatric medications at one time which never stopped the "mood swings" fully. Well meaning psychologists and psychiatrists were more familiar with the diagnosis of bipolar so they found it easier to use that label and treat me accordingly. Their treatment failed until they acknowledged I was dissociative and had distinct parts.

There are also many professionals out there that do not believe D.I.D. exists (which is a discussion for a formal blog post) so they have a vested interest in the labels of:

• bipolar
• borderline personality disorder
• schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder

I would be the first to tell you to question your diagnosis (especially of bipolar) if you are a trauma survivor or suspect you might be a trauma survivor.

Speaking as a woman, I can say that simple, garden variety mood swings exist simply because I deal with hormonal fluctuations month to month. I tell you that in that way so that you can easily accept that sometimes it's just that simple.

If you're coming into the awareness that you are a trauma survivor and that you might actually have parts of yourself then I invite you to just start becoming mindful about why your mood "went through a swing". With time, patience and an attitude of unconditional love towards yourself, you will learn if that swing was, in fact, a part of yourself expressing itself.

When in doubt, use the following example:

You're cooking dinner and you feel generally happy and suddenly you discover that you're angry. When dealing with parts, you need to first examine what just took place that caused the shift. 

• Was anyone in the room with you? 
• Did your spouse say something to you that might have caused the change? 
• Did you pick up a knife to chop vegetables? 
• Did you inadvertently touch the hot pan on the stove?

Any of those examples could be clues to your "mood swing". As a trauma survivor, just picking up a knife to cut vegetables can trigger a memory that you're not yet in touch with of the time when you were a child and someone threatened you with a knife or even actually harmed you with one. The feelings of helplessness and powerlessness that were created in that situation as a child can create an angry part inside of yourself that is now expressing itself and feeling like a mood swing.

Be patient here. Don't assume every change of mood or thought is an actual part of yourself but try to start becoming mindful of repeated similar reactions in duplicate situations (ie: every time you're in the kitchen you end up angry. That's probably a clue worth paying attention to)

You can submit a question via the chat button in the lower right hand side of your screen and I will include it here (without any identifying information) and answer it to the best of my knowledge.